Who needs diets when you have spanx?

So the festive season is once again upon us; bringing with it parties food and booze to tempt even the most devout gym bunny (I talk of course about people who aren’t me because I’ve never been one to turn down a bottle of fizz and a multipack of mince pies). But I did say to myself when I caught sight of my ever increasing being as a result of all all the festive goodies… and free stuff seriously all the supermarkets are like here try the food it’s like free lunch! I said to myself I would go on a diet before Christmas party season so that I could match up to the friend that rows, the friend that swims and the friend that does army things.  I don’t want to look like the friend that eats constantly! 
However,  following a stressful couple of weeks of dead relatives and essay deadlines (more of the latter fortunately) it was apparent that I was not going to be a vision in black.  So yesterday I reluctantly took myself shopping for what little selection of LARGE dresses there were left in the sales. I stumbled across a few but they all made me look somewhat poured into the dress like a jelly mould. Until I tried on this one

Still a bit lumpy and the white bra was doing me no favours but at £99 in the Hobbs sale I decided I would have it and make an investment… spanx.

For those of you unfamiliar with spanx, they’re super super granny pants with magical powers that shave a good couple of inches off you. It’s a bit of a trial getting them on,  I asked the sales assistant if they had the next size up to which she informed me I was already wearing the large, they’re just super tight to hold in all your flab. Thanks bitch. The thing that messes with my mind is where does it all go? I was still perfectly comfortable so it couldn’t be pushed back in to rupture my spleen or whatever (what even is a spleen? I’ve never had mine mentioned at the docs so clearly I have a perfect spleen) the pants go up to my boobs, lucky Johnny,  so it wasn’t pouring out of the top.  It had simply gone.

Until I took them off again.  Then there it all was. With the dress on I looked a vision of good health and said to the sales assistant “who needs diets when you have spanx” she failed to comment so clearly she’s doing party season slimming the old fashioned way. That or she can’t speak because her spanx are so tight!