A bad bloggers confession…

Dear readers,

As I’m sure some of the more observant of you have noticed, I have been relatilvely absent from my blog for a number of reasons

1) The boyfriend and I broke and I was plunged into turmoil, despair and the arms of another man (arms, lips, bed, same difference (sorry mum))

2) I joined a gym and after my two sessions I had to head into a brief hibernation to recover from both the exercise and the results of not owning a sports bra because why waste money on something you’ll use twice (like my gym membership?)

3) I went on the university sports tour by lying and claiming to be on the equestrian team- fortunately no riding occured as I’ve never been on a horse except for a pony that looked like it was going to buckle under my mass when I was a remarkably rotund child

4) A new internet sensation took over my life. I’m talking, of course, about Tinder.

Ah yes, the ‘T-word’ that causes all those who have it to tell you their horror stories about creepy perverts and overly attached strangers, and all those who dont to judge you for being desperate silently in their heads. My experience with Tinder so far has been varied, for starters I got 491 Matches which I think is more men than I actually know in real life so clearly I’m a vision. I should note my pictures are top half of my body only so no man has yet to witness the offending thighs.

I’ve had a few charming comments from the bloke who when I didn’t reply because I was at work sent me 8 messages telling me i was “just like th rest ov them u ignore me becus Im ugly”- no, I ignore you because you are both clingy and illiterate which is hardly a turn on, I don’t need poorly written love letters every day. Then on the other end of the spectrum you get the sex-pests who like to use some choice lines such as (these were my favourite three(again, sorry mum!))-

“Whats the difference between Jam and Jelly?… I cant Jelly my dick into your arse”

“My watch says you’re not wearing any pants… oh wait its an hour fast” – thats funny my watch tells the time you cretin.

“What’s the difference between a 12 volt battery and your body?” (Well one is a living organism, one you can fit into a remote, one is metal the other is flesh, the list is endless) “I know it’s weird but I just want to lick them both” I’m sorry but WHAT?! that is just concerning. (Also, not a difference my friend has just pointed out, how did I miss that?)

Thank god for the block button.

But it’s not all doom and gloom dear readers, there appears to be a clear winner of the tindergames! I swiped right (translation- Decided I liked his appearings and brief life summary on his profile) because he wasn’t topless flexing in a mirror or sporting a Joey Essex costume or stood by a car that I’m supposed to believe is his- I’ve got a bus pass mate I don’t need your wheels! No, he just looked relatively normal and instead of making some vain attempt at a hook up was actually interesting to talk to and completely literate and very charming and funny. So we’ve been chatting for a few weeks and are planning to meet up next Tuesday and go for dinner 🙂 We shall call him Hitch (sadly he is not Will Smith but a girl makes do with what she has) So with any luck he is not a murderer, heres hoping!

One other thing though, he lives a bit away and so he can drink and not drive back he’s booked himself into a hotel room… but it’s a double room. Long legs or presumtuous, more on this as it happens!